Beards

Beards. The ultimate expression of Manliness, kickassablilty, and facial hair.

Admit it: If propositioned by this bearded goat, you'd seriously consider it.

"But CJ!", I hear you cry, "What kind of beard should I grow to express my personality and individuality?". To which I would answer "Never begin a sentence with "But", you silly person!"

After beating you around for a bit for improper use of grammar, I would explain the five basic beards you can and can't wear in public, all of which will make you at least 87% more attractive to the opposite sex.*

*Not a guarantee

Semi Beards: 

  

The flavour saver:

This is a small patch of hair, worn just under the lip. Popular amongst people who are determined to never be carded at night clubs or RSLs. These are also well-known among those who, for some reason or another, believe that their "no beards" workplace is grossly unjust, but don't have the necessary skills to risk out-and-out rebellion.

"As a professional Singer and Arsehole, I have no excuse".

 The Goatee:

Usually consisting of a roughly semi-circular or Triangular patch of hair, worn directly on the chin. Options include: a connected mustache, and possibly expanded version of the flavour saver. The goatee is most common among people who want a beard to appear more manly, but not so much that their girlfriends have a legitimate to make them shave. This reduces the risk of the following question exchange: "Where's the beard?" "Girlfriend made me shave it", which, in certain circumstances, reduce masculinity to a level that can only be rectified by a threesome involving international super spies.

Care must be taken, however, to stop people from mistaking you as your evil mirror counterpart.

Full Beards 

Original Flavour Full Beard:

Made popular by men such as Black Beard, Lumberjacks, ZZ Top, and particularly careless women, the full beard is the ultimate expression of manliess and "just try to stop me from having sex with your wife"... iness. It can grow to any length, and can be styled in any way you hope to think of.

ANY STYLE

  There is nothing that won't remove article of clothing in honour of your full beard. That is a fact.

The "Beard, no mustache"

This is a very popular look with teenagers, who want to grow a beard but don't have the required hormones to actually have hair grown uniformly across their face. Also popular amongst proper Muslim men.

Even to this day, I am baffled as to why Muslim men have such a bad rep.

There is nothing inherently wrong with this kind of beard of course, but improper care can result in...

The Neck Beard

Possibly the most insidious (and least manly) of the beards, this rascal is what happens when beards go rouge, possibly taking over the brain of it's host and forcing it to forgo shaving. The neck beard is connected to the head hair via the cheeks, and crosses the chin. Usually connected to the upper lip, the difference between the Neck Beard and other types of "full beard" is the continuance of the hairy area to well past the chin, and down the neck. There is no excuse for such a terrible piece of workmanship.

Unless you were busy freeing slaves while fucking every woman ever.

These are the basic beards. But yours doesn't have to be to exact specifications, as there is a lot of room to maneuver and experiment. Try different styles, grow one of these extra long, mix and match. Practice on your sleeping father or family dog. Most of all, have fun and remember: If it starts bleeding, it's not facial hair.

CJ