FEETY SHOES!

FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES! FEETY SHOES!

Feety Shoes.

Beards

Beards. The ultimate expression of Manliness, kickassablilty, and facial hair.

Admit it: If propositioned by this bearded goat, you'd seriously consider it.

"But CJ!", I hear you cry, "What kind of beard should I grow to express my personality and individuality?". To which I would answer "Never begin a sentence with "But", you silly person!"

After beating you around for a bit for improper use of grammar, I would explain the five basic beards you can and can't wear in public, all of which will make you at least 87% more attractive to the opposite sex.*

*Not a guarantee

Semi Beards: 

  

The flavour saver:

This is a small patch of hair, worn just under the lip. Popular amongst people who are determined to never be carded at night clubs or RSLs. These are also well-known among those who, for some reason or another, believe that their "no beards" workplace is grossly unjust, but don't have the necessary skills to risk out-and-out rebellion.

"As a professional Singer and Arsehole, I have no excuse".

 The Goatee:

Usually consisting of a roughly semi-circular or Triangular patch of hair, worn directly on the chin. Options include: a connected mustache, and possibly expanded version of the flavour saver. The goatee is most common among people who want a beard to appear more manly, but not so much that their girlfriends have a legitimate to make them shave. This reduces the risk of the following question exchange: "Where's the beard?" "Girlfriend made me shave it", which, in certain circumstances, reduce masculinity to a level that can only be rectified by a threesome involving international super spies.

Care must be taken, however, to stop people from mistaking you as your evil mirror counterpart.

Full Beards 

Original Flavour Full Beard:

Made popular by men such as Black Beard, Lumberjacks, ZZ Top, and particularly careless women, the full beard is the ultimate expression of manliess and "just try to stop me from having sex with your wife"... iness. It can grow to any length, and can be styled in any way you hope to think of.

ANY STYLE

  There is nothing that won't remove article of clothing in honour of your full beard. That is a fact.

The "Beard, no mustache"

This is a very popular look with teenagers, who want to grow a beard but don't have the required hormones to actually have hair grown uniformly across their face. Also popular amongst proper Muslim men.

Even to this day, I am baffled as to why Muslim men have such a bad rep.

There is nothing inherently wrong with this kind of beard of course, but improper care can result in...

The Neck Beard

Possibly the most insidious (and least manly) of the beards, this rascal is what happens when beards go rouge, possibly taking over the brain of it's host and forcing it to forgo shaving. The neck beard is connected to the head hair via the cheeks, and crosses the chin. Usually connected to the upper lip, the difference between the Neck Beard and other types of "full beard" is the continuance of the hairy area to well past the chin, and down the neck. There is no excuse for such a terrible piece of workmanship.

Unless you were busy freeing slaves while fucking every woman ever.

These are the basic beards. But yours doesn't have to be to exact specifications, as there is a lot of room to maneuver and experiment. Try different styles, grow one of these extra long, mix and match. Practice on your sleeping father or family dog. Most of all, have fun and remember: If it starts bleeding, it's not facial hair.

CJ

New Tablet!

I got a drawing tablet! I've been having some fun getting used to a pen/surface interface, instead of a nipple.


Have some sample pictures! I took some photos with my camera, and did a bit of silly editing in GIMP/Paint.

Also, Squid. FUCK YES SQUID.

Squid can Breathe Underwater, You cannot. Therefore, You will never be as cool as a squid

ROBOT BRAH!

I have no life.

How to Play Red Rover

Possibly the greatest of all the team-based open-field tag games, Red Rover will be forever remembered by school-aged children as the game where you tackle each other to a pulp when the teachers aren't looking, and "Red Rover" when they are.

The Rules

Take one (1) average sized Rugby, soccer, AFL, or softball field, or Basketball court or Open highway. Line up on one side, with all but "It" on one side of said. "It" stands in the middle.

 

 

Traffic Optional

 

 

 

Next, the person who is "It" challenges one or more of the group to single combat, much like the Samurai of Ancient Feudal Japan. This person, however, must escape like a coward to the safe lands of Taiwan, like the Ninja of Ancient Feudal Japan. Seriously, warfare in Ancient Japan was all just sharpened variants of Children's playground games.

When challenging, "Red Rover Red Rover I call over [Name]" is appopriate. "COME AT ME BRO" is not.

If this stealthy wind-passing-in-the-night is successful, the process repeats until everyone is safe. But if "It" catches his challenge, that person also becomes "It", making it twice as difficult for the next person who is challenged. Continue from one end of the field and back again until everyone is "it".

Things can be difficult for the last man standing

 

Finally, if the person who is "It" calls "BULLRUSH", everyone who is on one side of the field must get to the other, making it harder to dodge and escape their attacker(s). It's a good tactic for those "it"s who are too slow to catch anyone else (and it's usually the fat slow kid who is "it").

Before the Special "Playgound Games" sitting of the Geneva convention, games of Red Rover could often get out-of-hand.

So, now you know how it's played! So find your nearest school/playground, and get to tackling some ten year olds!

Ideas Man

Sometimes, I get ideas. Brilliant ideas. Like, imagine a children's show, like Thomas the Tank Engine, but with four wheel drive cars. It could be called Harry the Hummer!

"OH NO, The Unnecessarily Obese National Park Ranger requires another off-road rescuer!" cried harry as a rapper tried to add 40 inch rims to his body.

And it could deal with real world issue that children have. Like one day when Neil the Nissan Patrol gets a new bullbar, all the other cars make fun of him for having a "Metal Mouth". But after a terrible accident, he gains a new perspective about protective equipment designed to help you;

The moral is: Having pieces of Steel bolted to your face isn't as bad as it seems.

Or another episode, where Larry the Landcruiser Prado tries to prove that he's just as awesome as his Big Brother.

It doesn't end well

Or that time when the Suzuki Brothers make fun of Harry for being totally fat. Cause he's a hummer. And they're pretty huge.

Seriously America, Get laid.

So, that's my idea. If anybody from the ABC, SBS or CTW are watching this, call me.

WELCOME ONE AND ALL

Hey all, since this is my... Third post in so many, um, a long time, I figured I could tell you about myself and... stuff.

So, with further ado, stuff! (and Myself)

Okay, to begin with, this is me:

Note Healthy Brown Colour, pockmarks, and general lumpynes.

I suppose I'll explain: I'm quite overweight, but I'm currently trying to loose the excess globules through a regime of exercise, healthy eating, and regular self-mockery. This is not going well at this point, but surely my ideal self-image is just around the corner!

Artist's Rendition

I guess that's enough about my body, let's talk about my brain!

I have problems, real problems.

There are thoughts in my head that I simply cannot describe. I have been said to have an "active imagination". I'm to assume that means that I think weird thoughts.

A beautiful summer's day in the Eternal Sunshine of My Spotless Mind

Now that you're accustomed to my magnificence, I though I could share some of my loves and hobbies. If I can still legally call them "Hobbies" after the hearing.

I often find myself in the bush with a large Four-Wheel-Drive and a whole expanse of nature to destroy. Sometimes even deliberately. Or because my GPS has once again tried to direct me to the lost Brittany city of Ys. On these occasions, I simply drive in a straight line until I hit a road

Villages and the people therein do not count as roads

 
I'm am also an Amateur photographer, which I hope to turn into a career at some point, which would be awesome if I could.

An Example of my work: Not Humorous

 
Along with my Photography, I enjoy Music. Listening, making, general talking-about... ing. Ing.

Please, however, don't ask me who my favourite artists/songs/genres/unrelated breakfast cerals are, because the answer you will inevitably get is "Oh, er, um, I like...music and the such."

So yeah, feel free to ask my opinion of Individual songs/artists/etc., but don't expect me to list mine out off the top of my head.


Finally, my favourite Hobby of all time is this: Picking up and vaugely barrel shaped/phallic object and pretending I'm a super cool action dude, making all shooting bad guys with a never-runs-out-of-bullets machine gun. And then I flip the barrel shape/phallic object and play a wicked awesome mouth-guitar solo before getting all serious again and resuming my hunt of my various arch nemeses' henchmen.

You have to be pretty damn awesome to properly render this image in your braind

I think that I will let you contemplate and digest what you have experienced at this point: More on me at a later date.

CJ